


The Commander's Loss

by AlsyWalsy



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-24 02:09:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13801152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlsyWalsy/pseuds/AlsyWalsy
Summary: Commander Shepard has dealt with loss her entire life. Garrus Vakarian has experienced some of that coping first hand. Shakarian angst.





	The Commander's Loss

**Author's Note:**

> I found this old half written piece of work when sorting through my documents. I haven't written ME stuff since I wrote my last thesis so it seemed fitting to write a little piece whilst doing this one.
> 
> I don't usually go for lots of angst but this one is evil. Enjoy!

When Kaiden Alenko died she was quiet.

Williams had tried to have a go at her over choosing who lived and who died, but the Commander had quickly put a stop to it. Soldiers died and life had to go on or wars would never be won. Most probably assumed that Shepard was holding it together quite well but Garrus could see otherwise.

They had become good friends over the course of their journey and he could see these things in her. Shepard was never quiet. She was always laughing or teasing, making cracks at him for being ugly or coaxing Wrex into old stories. Though she still did her rounds, she wasn’t quite herself, especially when passing near the lockers – Alenko’s still filled with his remaining kit.

She had actively chosen for one of her crew to die. Even the best commander lost some of their command, but choosing someone to actively sacrifice was something that would bother even the most hardened soldier.

 

 

When Mordin Solus died she was upset.

She hid it, of course, trying to put on a brave face for the Krogan and for her team. But Garrus knew better. He knew that she was struggling and had been since leaving earth. The death of a close friend was almost like the final nail in the coffin, to use a human phrase.

Mordin’s sacrifice was unnecessary, it never should have happened. And yet it had and Shepard had been the only one there to see him off in his final moments. The victory, no matter how important for an entire race of people and for the war for the galaxy, was bittersweet.

In her rooms, late at night, he would broach the topic as she worked at her desk. She ignored him for a moment before silently moving to join him on the couch. Shepard was not much of a cuddler but that night she tucked herself against his side and he could feel her pain. They spent their evening sharing stories of the Professor; remembering his attempts at aiding their union and the many songs he would sing to himself as he worked.

The name on the memorial wall stood out a little more than the others had.

 

 

When Thane died she had been eerily calm.

She had requested some alone time to visit him in the hospital and Garrus had honoured that wish. He spent most of his time trying to help refugees anyway, but it was difficult to concentrate when he knew what she was going through. By the time he returned to the Normandy, Shepard was already in her quarters. She allowed him entry the moment he asked.

She spoke with the calm collective manner of one who had lost all emotions, but that was hardly the case. With each name added to the memorial wall a little bit of the Commander was chipped away. The cracks weren’t visible to the naked eye, but Garrus had always had a keen eye. He could see the marks on her soul as though they were tattooed on her soft, soft skin. This war was destroying her as it destroyed worlds and all he wanted to do was take that pain away for her.

The funeral in her apartment on the Citadel had brought out more of the old Commander. The strange quiet that had encompassed her every moment seemed to dissipate amongst her friends, and happy memories were shared all night.

The cracks remained but he could see some patches forming over a couple. She was strong.

 

 

When Legion died she was disappointed.

Most would deem Legion’s sacrifice as not a death. They were not a real living entity in the eyes of many – a soulless machine that did little but kill. But to the Normandy and her crew, Legion had been a member of the family. Their absence left a hole in the crew and another hole in Shepard.

In the dark of night she would confess that she was tired of losing people she cared about. Shepard would never cry, even in their moments of most intimate confessions. But this was as close as she ever came.

She admitted her disappointment in how this whole thing had turned out. She was disappointed in failing to convince the Council of the threat years ago. She was disappointed in her failings as a Commander. She was disappointed in all this unnecessary heartache and death. He softly told her that he had never once been disappointed by her and he doubted he ever would be. In the dim light he was sure he had seen a single tear run down her cheek.

 

 

When Shepard died he was angry.

He was angry. He was tired. He was heartbroken.

Her goodbye tore him to shreds, his heart willing his broken body to follow her through that damned teleport and up to the end. He should have been there to end it with her – he could have watched her six, helped her, saved her.. he could have done so much more than retreat and lick his wounds.

She didn’t come home.

He had hoped and prayed to any deity out there; turian, human, asari, anything that she would come back to him. That she would come back to them all. But he had been ignored and the great Commander Shepard was gone from this world. Gone from this big empty galaxy. And he was all alone.

There was no Shepard without Vakarian, but what did Vakarian do without Shepard?

Tali tried her best to help him and she wasn’t the only one, but placing her name on the memorial wall was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do. His eyes trailed over the list of names, of friends that had fallen for this war.. before they closed entirely. After a moment or two he felt several arms wrapping around him in a group hug.

 

 

When Shepard died he was lost.


End file.
